I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
