yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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