i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
