You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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