i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
