I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
