Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
The maid of honor just puked.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
