I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
