girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
