So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
