I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
