Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
