I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
