I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
