What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
The air taste purple.
Randomize
