my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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