Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
