xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Randomize
