The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
