just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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