You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Your face is a jimmy john
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
