My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
