I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
