she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
