so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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