i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
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You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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