The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
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