My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
