I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
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