i wish peter jackson would direct porn
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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