I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
