My first STD was from a foam party
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
