Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
