Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
