I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I'm too high and old for this...
Randomize
