i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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