Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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