Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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