Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
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