I'm so fucking centered right now
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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