Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
