I'm going to jail i love you
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
