Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
