Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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