i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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