I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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