Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
