I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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