Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
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I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
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