i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
