why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
