I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
