I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
