One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I would fuck him just for his dog
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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