Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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