My Higher Power is John Stamos
You smell like stripper and shame
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
