Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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