I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
