So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
