sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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